What were your parents like? Were they passive, absent, permissive, or enabling? Did they just not know what they were doing, like mine? Or were they angry, demanding, or belittling parents who actively tore you down? Did they abuse or neglect you?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these, there’s a high likelihood they were repeating a cycle of dysfunction handed down to them by their parents. And there’s a high probability you are, or will, repeat the same cycle.

For example, if you’re married can you picture your wife making any of these statements to describe you? 

            • “My husband is oversensitive; I walk on eggshells.” 

            • “He has dramatic mood swings.” 

            • “He is obsessively driven and has little time for me.” 

            • “He is immature and doesn’t take responsibility for things.” 

            • “He is negative.” 

            • “He is unforgiving and holds grudges.” 

            • “He takes out his frustrations on me.” 

If yes, then you definitely need to understand cycle breaking. Here’s the core issue: if you have unhealed wounds, you are at risk of repeating the cycle (whether partially or in full). 

Here’s another example. When a father abandons his family, it sets negative forces in motion that can impact the entire lineage for several generations.

I know firsthand. My grandfather abandoned my dad when he was two years old. My dad did his best to break the cycle, but no one ever took my dad under their wing and discipled him how to be a godly man, husband, and father. Dad was a good man—a man of complete integrity, but he didn’t know how to be a father to my three younger brothers and me. I’m so grateful he stayed in the picture (he and my mom were a great love story), but he didn’t know how to break the cycle. I quit high school, my next brother followed in my footsteps and eventually died of a heroin overdose, and my other two brothers have had more than their fair share of struggles.

How about you? You may be caught in a cycle of dysfunction that your parents, grandparents, or even great-grandparents started. 

The good news is this isn’t a lifetime sentence. Jesus is a Physician and Healer. He sees you. He is full of compassion. No amount of pain, dysfunction, or brokenness is beyond His reach or interest. Yet, the reality remains that once a cycle of brokenness begins, it demands significantly more emotional energy and societal resources to restore what should never have been broken in the first place.

Practical Steps to Break the Cycle

How about you? Do you know how to break the cycle? Or, like my dad, do you have good intentions but don’t know what to do? Breaking the cycle of childhood trauma or a challenging upbringing is a journey that requires courage, patience, and often, outside help. Here are three specific steps you can take:

1. Unravel What Happened to You. Recognize the impact of your upbringing and how it may influence your present behaviors. This is a crucial first step toward healing, because if you’re trying to solve the wrong problem you can only succeed by accident.
2. Go Through a Process of Healing. This includes overcoming denial and facing the truth, grieving what could and should have been, forgiveness, making amends, renewal, setting boundaries if necessary, and actively becoming a man who walks in the power of God. To the end, a Bible, a small group, and serving someone else are three actions that can result in growth and help you become a more kingdom-minded person, as I’ve often emphasized in my teachings.
3. Break the Cycle. This includes owning the ways you’ve weaponized your own childhood wounds, changing the trajectory of your marriage and children, if applicable. Don’t try to do this on your own. There are no Lone Rangers Christians. Seek outside help. This could be in the form of a mentor, a support group, or a professional counselor. My book, From Broken Boy to Mended Man, provides guidance on this journey.

The call to action is clear: Make it a personal badge of honor to be a cycle breaker. Boldly declare, “By God’s grace, it stops with me. I am going to set my family line on a whole new course for generations to come.”

Reflection Questions

1. What cycles of brokenness or sin have you observed in your family or community, and how have they impacted your life?
2. Which of the practical steps mentioned we be a “right next step” for you? 
3. Who can you turn to for support, encouragement, or mentorship as you commit to setting a new course for future generations?

(Adapted from my book From Broken Boy to Mended Man. If you cannot afford a copy, let me know and I will send you a digital copy of the From Broken Boy to Mended Man Action Plan.)