Jesus wasn’t just born to a virgin woman—He was born to a virgin couple. When Joseph learned Mary was pregnant, he had planned to divorce her quietly, which meant Jesus would have grown up without a father.

But God intervened. He supernaturally changed Joseph’s mind—not just to prevent Mary from being disgraced but because having a father in the home mattered.

Jesus grew up to be a man in the truest sense of the word, and He didn’t learn that from His mother. Fathers are invaluable—which is why fathering is #23 on my alphabetical list of 70 things every man needs to know.

Two Ways to Father

There are two basic fathering styles:

1. Fathering for performance
2. Fathering the heart

Most dads father for performance; they focus on getting their children to do the right things. Their kids may feel like they must perform to win the love, acceptance, and approval that should be unconditional.

This inevitably creates an angry or discouraged child, as Scripture warns against: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21, NIV). We see a similar warning in Ephesians: ”Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (6:4, NIV)

Rather than fathering for performance, the Bible recommends fathering for heart change—focusing on the motivations of the heart with the understanding that “what you say flows from what is in your heart” (Luke 6:45b, NLT).

When a father focuses on performance, the emphasis is on conformity, and the child grows up in an atmosphere of fear. But when a father focuses on heart change, the emphasis is on transformation, and the atmosphere is one of safety.

A heart-oriented approach to fathering can also help you avoid two common mistakes: 1) too much structure—overbearing rules that lead to rebellion—and 2) too little structure—a lack of guidance that leaves kids lost. The sweet spot is loving, clear guidance that teaches them how to think, not just what to think, and gives them a voice along the way.

Fathering for performance is law; fathering for heart change is grace. If you raise children under the spirit of the law, they will leave home as soon as possible—and come back as little as they can. A spirit of grace is the better way.

Your Family is Your Primary Ministry

Men, your family is your first calling. No amount of success at work, in church, or in the community will ever compensate for failure at home, and no other role can substitute for the role God has given you as a father. Your presence and your words matter more than you can imagine.

Every day, tell each of your children:

• “I love you.”
• “I’m proud of you.”

There is biblical precedent for this! At both Jesus’ baptism and transfiguration, the Father declared: “This is my Son, whom I love; with Him, I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17b, NIV). Your child needs to hear those words from you.

Make sure your kids know how much you love them—not only through your provision but also through your presence, words, hugs, and encouragement. The greatest need your children have is for you to love them unconditionally.

Thirsty for more? Go to Man Alive Bible Study for an incredibly robust library of practical help; just type “fathering” in the search window! Or start with my article Ten Ways to Really Love a Child at patrickmorley.com.

A Challenge for You:

• Hug your kids every day. Really hug them.
• Tell them you love them and you’re proud of them every day—even if it feels awkward at first.
• If you have a strained relationship with your father, take a first step toward healing.

For reflection and discussion:

1. What kind of fathering style did you grow up with—performance-based or heart-based? How has that influenced your own approach?
2. How can you be more intentional in showing your children love and encouragement beyond just providing for their needs?
3. If you need to break a negative fathering cycle in your family, what practical steps can you take today to start healing and change?