One Thanksgiving early in our marriage, my wife and I went to my parents’ home to celebrate my brother’s safe return from war. All three of my brothers, our mom and dad, my wife, and I gathered around the dinner table for the first time in many years.

Our tradition growing up was to pray before meals: “God is good, God is great, and we thank Him for this food. Amen.” It was a rote prayer—sincere, but often said in a hurry.

On this Thanksgiving, Dad said the blessing. Instead of zipping through the usual prayer, he bowed his head and said reverently, “Dear God, Mom and I just want to start by saying thank you … ” That was as far as he got. He started heaving with tears, excused himself, and rushed into their bedroom.

I followed and asked, “Dad, what’s wrong? Are you okay? What just happened?”

After he regained his composure, he said, “I’m okay. It’s just that your mother and I never thought we would ever see our four boys together again in the same room.”

Something softened in me that day and, because I had been freely forgiven by God for my sins, I forgave my parents for theirs.

While I didn’t know it at the time, that single act started me down the road to reconciliation with my parents. However, because I didn’t yet understand what I’m sharing with you in these “Man to Man” emails and in my book From Broken Boy to Mended Man, the process took another 28 years for me to complete! My strong conviction is that you can experience in a few months what took me decades. Let me explain.

The Uniqueness of Biblical Forgiveness

One day Jesus explained how to handle sin, after which the apostle Peter asked Him, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21b).

What makes Peter’s question so interesting is that Jewish rabbis at that time required forgiving a person for the same sin up to three times. After that, you didn’t have to forgive them anymore. It was the original three-strikes law.

But Jesus answered Peter, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22b).

Jesus wasn’t just telling people to count higher. Instead, He was using hyperbole to do away with the three-strikes-you’re-out rule altogether. The Jesus rule? However often someone sins against you, forgive them.

Notice that Peter didn’t ask—nor did Jesus answer—“When someone comes to me, bows down or bends their knee, confesses their sin, tells me how sorry they are, and begs forgiveness, how many times should I forgive them?”

Jesus teaches unilateral forgiveness. We are to forgive people when they sin against us—whether or not they’re sorry, whether or not they’ve apologized, and whether or not they’ve asked to be forgiven.

Notice that we are not yet discussing reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation are related, but they are two different things. For example, a sincere apology is usually needed before you can experience genuine reconciliation (more on this over the next few weeks).

The uniqueness of biblical forgiveness is that even when your parents don’t deserve it, are no longer alive, or show no remorse, you can still forgive them.

Forgiving Them Heals You

Forgiving is not dismissing what your parents did, sweeping their sin under the rug, or pretending that your wounds never happened. Rather, it’s making a conscious decision to pardon your parents in spite of what they did. It’s an act of grace, not because they deserve it. And it’s central to getting out of the psychological bondage you feel.

At first blush, this may seem overly simplistic or even impossible, but a significant precedent has been set that changes everything: God didn’t need you to love Him before He extended forgiveness to you. “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8, emphasis mine).

In the same way, you don’t need your parents to love you before you can extend forgiveness to them. We can—and should—forgive our parents when they don’t deserve it because God forgives us when we don’t deserve it. Right now. Unilaterally. Without regard to whether they’re sorry.

The truth is forgiveness is volitional, not emotional. You can make up your mind to forgive by faith and then give your emotions time to catch up. The emotional catchup could take days, months, or even years, but regardless of the timetable, choosing to forgive your parents will only make your life better, not worse.

At this point, forgiveness is between you and God, not between you and your parents. You can tell God you forgive your parents, praying along these, or similar, lines:

God, thank You for helping me face the truth, get out of denial, and grieve what could have been. Now, by faith, as an act of my will, I forgive my parents for their sins, as You have forgiven me for my sins. I do this unilaterally, without regard to how they might respond. I forgive them so that they can get on with their lives (if living) and so that I can get on with mine. Show me how to take responsibility for my own sins, as You show them how to take responsibility for theirs. I realize reconciliation and forgiveness are different. However, my forgiveness is unconditional. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Let’s strive to be men who are quick to forgive as an act of grace because of the grace we have received. I believe it will not only influence others but also heal us.

Final thought: God loves your parents just as much as He loves you. Once you do unilaterally forgive them, be open to where God leads you. It’s possible you may begin to see them in a different light, or gain a deeper understanding of how they became the parents they were. We’ll explore how to start rethinking their stories in next week’s article.