A friend started a small group and led the men through the book Man Alive. When they got to chapter five—on destructive behaviors and the baggage we carry—he broke them into groups of three or four and encouraged vulnerability. He asked, “What baggage has been holding you back? What’s eating at you that you’ve never shared with a real friend? We’ve been together a while. Let’s open up.”

One man, an older gentleman, shared that his sister had been raped when she was five. He was her older brother and, in some ways, had always felt responsible. In the sixty-five years since it happened, he had never told a soul.

Clark, my friend who led the group, said that when this man finally spoke those words out loud, something lifted. Because the other brothers helped him, he was set free, and his entire demeanor changed. The grave clothes came off. Clark said, “He’s been dramatically freed and deeply touched. Talking through it brought healing.”

The math of friendship is simple: shared joys are doubled, and shared sorrows are cut in half. That’s why friendship is #25 on my alphabetical list of 70 things every man needs to know. Yet, many men find friendship hard to develop and harder to maintain. Often, a man’s closest friendships are with coworkers. And many men have no friends at all—at least not beyond the cliché level of news, sports, and weather.

When women struggle, they often move toward relationship. When men struggle, we tend to move toward isolation. In doing so, we not only cut ourselves off from those who could help but we also become more vulnerable to attack. Scripture warns us: “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8b, NIV). The lion doesn’t go after the herd—it hunts the one who walks alone.

Men need friends. Ecclesiastes says, “Two are better than one” and “a cord of three strands is not easily broken” (see 4:9a, 12b). Furthermore, friendship was a central theme of Jesus’ teachings. He taught His disciples:

• “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” —John 15:12–13
• “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” —John 13:35

So, how can you make a true friend? Two things—

1. Take the initiative. Most men won’t. I’ve seen it all my life. Relationships follow a process. You don’t start by asking a guy to be your best friend. You ask him to coffee. See if there’s chemistry. If not, try someone else. If there is, meet again. But remember that friendship grows over time. Don’t come on too strong. Don’t skip steps. Don’t violate the process. If it’s helpful, find an activity to do; many men organize their time around tasks, not relationships. Unlike women, we often need a reason to get together.

2. Join a small group. A small group gives you a standing appointment—a regular space to build friendships. What could be better than that?

If you’re leading other men in ministry, encourage them to build lifelong friendships, and provide opportunities for them to get to know each other better. We were all made for relationships.

For reflection and discussion:

1. Which part of the story about the man who opened up after 65 years impacted you the most, and why?
2. Why do you think men tend to isolate during tough times?
3. Do you have one or more “2 a.m. friends”—men you can call when something’s wrong, even in the middle of the night?
4. What’s one step you could take this week to cultivate a deeper friendship with someone?