Perhaps the most difficult step in mending is to have a healing conversation with your parents. That’s because talking about our parents is a lot easier than talking to them. But, with the right knowledge, healing conversations are easily within your reach.

Here are three potential next steps for you related to having that conversation—and three ideas about what to do if you can’t.

1. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Let’s say your parents worked long hours and just weren’t around when you were growing up. You and your parents regret the impact of their absence, but today you communicate fairly well. If this resembles your situation, you may choose to have short, frank conversations about the issues bothering you, but for the most part, you’ll keep doing what you’re doing. This was largely my approach—addressing one issue at a time, case by case, as need and opportunity presented themselves.

2. Initiate a crucial conversation.

You may feel you can’t move forward without talking about your childhood wounds with your parents. After all, there can’t be a meeting of the minds if the minds don’t meet. The book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High describes this kind of conversation as a discussion between two or more people, consisting of three components: 1) opposing opinions about a 2) high-stakes issue where 3) emotions run strong.[i]

If you choose this route, it is helpful if both you and your parents possess reasonably good communication skills and relational maturity. If this is the case and they are receptive to rebuilding your relationship further—and if you’ve forgiven them—then a crucial conversation may be your best option. But it may feel terrifying. Here are some suggestions to help you get through a few awkward moments.

Awkward Moment #1: Making an Appointment

Don’t overthink this. Ask God to give you success. Then call and request a good time to get together in person to talk for about an hour. Do not ask this over email or text except as a last resort. Always meet in person, even if you have to wait a few months or travel out of town.

Possible responses:

• “What’s this about?” Your response: “I have some questions about my childhood. When can we meet?”
• “Can we just talk about it now?” Your response: “It’s important enough that I would like to do this face-to-face. When can we meet?”
• “I don’t think this is necessary.” Or, “Now is not a good time.” Your response: “I realize this may be stressful, but I’m in a good place now, and I think it’s important to do this in person. When can we meet?”

If your parents aren’t willing at this time, you did your best. You can simply say, “I understand. Please know that I have been working through how I became the man I am, and I’ve made amazing progress. I think it would be mutually beneficial for us to spend an hour together, so please let me know if you change your mind.”

Awkward Moment #2: The First Few Minutes

I suggest opening the actual conversation with something like this: “I love you very much, but we need to have an awkward conversation. Would that be all right?” It gets right to the point and, by asking permission, you show respect and avoid appearing confrontational.

The Meat of Your Conversation

If you feel apprehensive, don’t overthink it. You have conversations every day, and that’s all you’re aiming to do. Just have a conversation.

Don’t bring an agenda to adjudicate the past or force an apology. Avoid confrontational why questions like, “Why didn’t you come to my games?” Instead, focus on what happened and how it made you feel: “When you didn’t come to my games, it made me feel like you didn’t care about me.”

Here’s the question: Can you have a positive, emotionally mature conversation, meaning both you and your parents can listen and speak to each other with humility and respect? James 1:19-20 exhorts, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

If you ask a question, make it clear that you genuinely want an answer. Don’t give off the vibe that you’re not interested in understanding their side of the story. Listen without giving an overly quick reply.

If you want to increase your confidence prior to taking this step, read Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, which is based on twenty-five years of interviews with 20,000 people.

3. Have a facilitated conversation.

If you’ve experienced serious to severe dysfunction, your wounds are likely deep and debilitating. Yet if you’ve forgiven your parents, you may want to take a step toward rebuilding.

Meeting for a crucial conversation may not be wise or even possible. Perhaps they’ve shown no remorse, don’t know how to communicate like mature adults, or are so passive and indifferent that they don’t appear to be interested in your well-being. Or perhaps you’ve tried to set up a time to talk multiple times, and they are dragging their feet.

Unless both you and your parents have good communication skills and at least some semblance of relational health and maturity, you will be better served if an experienced adviser, emotionally intelligent pastor or friend, or professional counselor facilitates the conversation. It will be wise to meet with your counselor or adviser first to provide some background and an explanation of what you hope to accomplish. They will have suggestions about how you should proceed.

Through counseling I realized our family dysfunction was serious, even though I had fantasized we were only mildly dysfunctional. Because I had misjudged our situation, my parents and I never met with a counselor to facilitate conversations toward strengthening our relationship. Now that I’ve been through counseling, I’m convinced we missed a huge opportunity. We would have been better off sooner—individually and as a family—if we had done this. I want better for you.

4. Set boundaries.

If you have tried repeatedly to restore a healthier relationship with your parents without any progress, it may not be possible at this time. Your family was, and remains, severely dysfunctional or even toxic. In these severely dysfunctional relationships, you may need to set boundaries. Setting boundaries simply means establishing rules in areas where your parents continue to violate norms of healthy parent/child relationships. For example:

• They may drink too much and then make hurtful comments, even after you’ve repeatedly asked them to refrain.
• When you spend time with them, they may openly criticize your children or speak disrespectfully to your wife.
• Maybe your parents were AWOL as you were growing up, and now they want you to care for them like you owe a debt, without addressing the past.

These are just a few examples of behavior that may warrant setting boundaries. No one should be able to keep violating your physical or emotional boundaries without expecting consequences. This may be as simple as saying, “We don’t serve alcohol in our home.” Or it could be as drastic as, “I’m responsible to protect my family from being berated and criticized. Until you agree to stop speaking disrespectfully, we will pause getting together.” You can be firm but diplomatic. For helpful insights on this, I recommend reading the updated and expanded edition of Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

5. What if your parents are unavailable?

If your parents are deceased or absent, you can still reconcile with them in a way that brings solace. You don’t need to go anywhere special or follow a magic formula. However, it may help create a sense of occasion if you go where they are buried or to another place of significance, if possible.

Tell them the things you’ve realized and worked through. Describe how you’ve begun to unravel what happened to you, how your wounds are healing, and how you plan to break the cycle. You may want to end the time by offering a cleansing prayer for a fresh start.

6. What if you still can’t move on?

Reconciliation can be messy and require multiple attempts. You may do everything right, only to be shot down and feel further abandoned. If all your efforts are thwarted, or if you still have unresolved issues after reading this far and discussing the issues mentioned, you should seek professional Christian counseling. It’s a sign of strength to seek advice—and equally a sign of weakness not to.

If you’ve never been to a professional counselor, the single most important issue in selecting one is “fit.” Counselors use various styles and methods. Ask around like you would for a doctor who specializes in an area of medicine. This will help you find a counselor who fits your needs and style. You also can find an extensive list of Christian counselors at psychologytoday.com. In addition to filtering by Christian faith, you can search by location, type of therapy, specific issues, and more.

Here’s the broken-boy dilemma: What happened to you is not your fault, but you’re still responsible for what happens next.

[i] Joseph Grenny et al., Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, 3rd ed. (New York, McGraw Hill, 2022), 3.