We’ve all said things like:
At some point, everyone hits a wall—even the men who look like they have it all together. As someone who cares about that man—maybe as a mentor, a dad, a pastor or a friend—you want to help. But what can you say?
Here’s a powerful starting point you can share with them:
“Your system is perfectly designed to produce the result you’re getting.”
It’s a principle from the business world. For example, if you manufacture cars and every third car that rolls off the assembly line is missing a front right fender, your system is perfectly designed to produce that result.
This idea also applies deeply to the soul. If someone is consistently feeling restless, anxious, or empty, it’s not because they’re stupid or weak. It’s because their current belief system is perfectly designed to lead them there.
Help Them See the System Behind the Struggle
Many people think they’re just “living their life.” But behind every habit, ambition, and reaction is a worldview—an internal wiring diagram of what we believe to be true and what matters. It is the collection of ideas we believe about the most important issues in life: ultimate reality, knowledge, ethics, humankind, and God.
If someone is chronically restless, it’s a systems problem. Helping someone recognize that is the first step toward change. Your role isn’t to give them a diagnosis. Just gently raise the idea: “What if what you’re feeling right now isn’t a failure but rather a signal that the system you’re using to make sense of life isn’t working?”
That simple shift—from self-blame to system-awareness—can open the door to honest reflection.
Introduce the Four Systems People Typically Use
Centuries of Christian thinking have shown that people tend to cycle through four major belief systems as they try to make life work:
Here’s what’s interesting: These belief systems are not trying to solve different problems; they’re trying to solve the same problems in different ways. (Note: Most men won’t use words like “secular” or “religious,” but the ideas will resonate once you describe them.)
In the coming weeks, as I continue to take you through more reflections based on my book What If Christianity Is True? (this article is adapted from Chapter 2), I’ll show you how to engage with compassion and respect as you talk with someone about why you believe Christianity is best—and why they can too.
But in an initial conversation with someone who feels restless, the aim is to simply help them recognize that their current system is a big part of the problem.
You can say something like: “It sounds like you’ve tried to build a meaningful life by working hard and being a good person. That’s admirable. But is that approach or belief system really giving you what you want and need?”
Give them time to process and reflect during the conversation. As you do, you’ll come to a greater understanding of what they believe, and they will too.
Share a Story That Mirrors Their Experience
Usually, a story cuts through better than an explanation. Consider sharing your own story or someone else’s. For example—
“I knew a couple—let’s call them Jacob and Emily—who did everything right. They worked hard, built careers, gave to charity, found a good church, and lived clean lives. But after a decade, they sat down one evening and said to each other, ‘Why are we still so restless?’
“They had progressed through three different belief systems—secular, moral, and religious—and none of them had satisfied. Eventually, they realized what was missing: They had tried to add God into their life without ever surrendering their life to Him.”
A story helps a person relate and realize they aren’t alone—that maybe it’s a systems problem after all.
The reality is that, while the other belief systems seem to “work” at first, over time the cracks appear. Something just doesn’t fit anymore. (In the book, I go into great detail about how and why these systems break down; share it with someone who is trying to understand why things are not adding up for them.)
You can also share stories from Scripture to demonstrate that what they’re experiencing isn’t new. For example, you could quote Ecclesiastes 2:11 with something like—
“That’s not failure on your part; it’s just reality. Even Solomon went through it. He pursued wealth, wisdom, pleasure, power—and at the end of it all, he said, ‘Everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.’” If Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived after Jesus, couldn’t make it work, maybe we’re not supposed to either!”
Invite, Don’t Push
Our job isn’t to badger someone into changing belief systems. Our mission is to walk alongside them, ask good questions, and offer hope.
You might simply say: “If your current system isn’t producing peace, joy, or clarity, maybe it’s time to consider a different foundation.”
Then offer to keep the conversation going. Invite them to explore Christianity not as a rulebook but as a relationship with Jesus.
And if they’re open, offer to read Scripture with them. Or invite them to a Bible study or men’s small group where they can hear more stories of men just like them who found peace—not in trying harder but in trusting Christ.
Final Thought
Helping someone explore their belief system isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about asking the right questions with humility, respect, and compassion.
Be on the lookout for restless men. You don’t need to convince them. Just be ready when they’re ready—to help them discover or rediscover Jesus.
Much love,
Pat
For Reflection and Discussion
Once you have permission to engage in a deeper discussion with someone, here are some questions to work through together. If you’re in a group, practice asking these of each other:
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