In my early thirties as a young husband and father of two small children, I wanted to rebuild a relationship with my parents. My first step was to ask Dad to lunch on his birthday.

That kick-started a birthday tradition and a series of wound-healing conversations throughout my thirties and forties—the most memorable being the day I first remember him saying, “I love you.”

When I was forty-seven years old, I wrote in his birthday card, “Dad, I sure hope you’re proud of me.” After our traditional lunch, I handed him the card and carefully watched as he opened and read it. Without looking up, he said, “Well, you know I am.”

That’s all I ever got. But it was electric! My mind exploded with joy. Something inside me was unchained.

Your parents may be unavailable, dysfunctional beyond repair, or abusive. But if not, there’s a part of you that probably wants—even aches—to have a better relationship with them. However, for that to happen, you must be able to talk to each other honestly about the wounds that still bother you.

Talking about your parents is one thing; talking to them raises everything to a whole different level. Even the prospect of a direct conversation about pain from your childhood probably makes you feel a bit anxious, right?

As you prepare, it’s helpful to first consider your current situation with eyes wide open, including the level of dysfunction, the communication skills of everyone involved, your receptivity, and their receptivity. There’s more on how to do this in From Broken Boy to Mended Man, but today I want to focus on one critical factor as you move forward in trying to rebuild the relationship: attitude.

Your Attitude

If your attitude in approaching your parents is to set the record straight, adjudicate the past, right a wrong, let your parents know how you really feel, push for an admission of guilt, or force an apology, then you will likely fail in your efforts to better your relationship.

But the Bible’s time-tested principles, once again, offer the highest probability of success. The core of Jesus’ teachings isn’t defending your rights, placing blame, or getting even; it’s love. Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35).

Furthermore, love empowers us to overlook and forgive offenses. Slowly read and reflect on these Scriptures:

• Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
• Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs. (Proverbs 10:12)
• A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense. (Proverbs 19:11)

You can’t love like this through willpower and determination, but you don’t have to. Since love is a fruit of the Spirit, you can love God’s way by walking in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit:

• The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23a)

And more good news: God is the initiator. He didn’t need you to love Him for Him to love you:

• Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. . . . This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. . . . We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:7, 10-11, 19)

Similarly, your attitude toward your parents can revolve around this cathartic truth: You don’t need your parents to love you for you to love them.

Love is the glue that can hold us together and the oil that can keep us from rubbing each other the wrong way. And, even if your parents don’t reciprocate, love can set you free from bitterness and resentment.

If you’re ready, join me in making this affirmation: I don’t need my parents to love me for me to love them.

Next week I’ll show you how to set an appointment to talk to your parents, and how to handle the awkward bits. And I’ll show you when and how you can set boundaries when a relationship just won’t work (yet), or what to do if your parents are gone.