How to Start and Sustain a Weekly Men’s Small Group
Jesus started a small group to bring his first disciples to full maturity. No other method has been shown to be even remotely as effective at changing men’s lives. Commit to be part of a small group. The best kind of small groups do life together—they share what’s really going on, stay small enough to really get to know each other, and help each other grow in Christ. Here’s a comprehensive guide to start a weekly group and keep it going strong.
- First, make a list of men you might like to have in your group. Figure you need to ask two or three men for every slot in your group. Pray over their names. Ask God to give you names you might not ordinarily think of.
- Next, decide what kind of group you want to lead. You could wait and make a group decision, but it will likely fall apart. Leaders lead—and men like that. There are many different types of small groups, but most will be some combination of the following:
- Bible Study and Discussion Groups to read and discuss the Bible and/or books (six to twelve men—remember, twelve has been successfully used before!)
- Service and Mission Teams to do service and outreach projects (any number)
- Support Groups for prayer, accountability, fellowship, or specific issues like addictions (two to six men)
- Sports Teams (any number)
- Decide when, where, and how often you want to meet. Friday mornings are good because most men try to be back in town by then, and it’s often a catch-up day. If all your men are from the same church, you could meet on Sundays, on a weekday evening, or one morning during the week at the church. There are men’s groups meeting in churches, cubicles, conference rooms, and restaurants all across America. A friend likes to say, “The largest men’s Bible study in America is Panera Bread.” Most groups tend to meet weekly, but many successful groups meet every other week or once a month.
- Next, invite the men to an informational meeting to discuss the small group. Pick the time and place, and shoot for one hour but no more than ninety minutes. As you invite them,
- explain to the men what you are trying to accomplish and why
- don’t ask men for a long-term commitment
- unless you feel strongly otherwise, tell them you will initially meet for four, six, or eight weeks (pick a number), and after that you will decide as a group where to go from there
- graciously let individuals decline your offer
The First Meeting
The first meeting is informational.
Have coffee and donuts/bagels or Cokes and cookies.
Meet for one hour but no more than ninety minutes.
Start on time and open with a brief prayer.
For five to ten minutes: Mention (again) your purpose for wanting to start a small group. Give the men an opportunity to comment on your proposed written “Purpose Statement” for the small group. Write it out beforehand and put “D-R-A-F-T” at the top. They will appreciate being asked and feel a stronger sense of ownership.
Next forty minutes: Depending on how many men you have, ask each man to take three to five minutes to share briefly where he is on his spiritual journey today and what he would like to “give and get” from the group.
Five minutes: Inspire them with your vision for the group. Encourage the men. Don’t go too far too fast and violate the process of relationships. Be sensitive that most men will not jump in until they have tested the waters for a few weeks (or months).
Last five minutes: Pass out materials for the kick-off meeting, confirm the when and where, and close with a brief prayer.
How to Lead an Effective Discussion
Here are some hard-learned lessons about leading an effective discussion:
- “Air time for every man every week.” Make sure men get to speak.
- You should draw out the quiet man without making him feel uncomfortable. Sense his pace. If he isn’t ready to talk, don’t try to force him. Privately ask the man who talks a lot to help you draw out the other men.
- Don’t talk more than 25 percent of the time. If there is silence when you ask a question, don’t try to fill the space.
- Ask open-ended questions, not ones that can be answered yes or no. Instead of asking, “Do you struggle with making good decisions?” ask “What kind of decisions do you find difficult, and why?”
Other Suggestions to Be Effective
Preferably call your men each week, but at least email or text them, to remind them about the meeting and express your genuine desire to see them. You want to make sure they feel you’re more interested in them as a person than that you’re just trying to put butts in seats. This is a make-or-break point.
Make it like family time, not work time (not as another duty to perform, but a place that will love and accept him no matter how bad he has screwed up). This is also a make-or-break point.
A small group is many things, including a hospital for men with broken wings. Make yours a safe place for men. Do not put pressure on men to conform to certain behaviors. Instead, show men Christ. Adopt the credo “long-term, low pressure.”
Be sure to end on time—men appreciate punctuality.
After your group starts to gel, host a couples’ social outing. Spend five hours per week on your group as your personal ministry (that’s all-in—group time, phone calls/texts, personal visits, counseling men, etc.). Take each man out for coffee or a meal at least once a year if it’s a long-term group.
If you are a marketplace small group, encourage your men to be actively involved in a disciple-making church. I’ve seen way too many men use our Bible study as a substitute for church, and their families have suffered greatly for it.
Selecting Small Group Resources
Bible Studies: If you have the time, aptitude, and interest, you can develop your own curriculum. If not, try the Man in the Mirror Weekly Bible Study. You can get it free online at www.mimbiblestudy.com, YouTube, and iTunes. Watch or listen to the message and then discuss the downloadable questions. We also have unedited transcripts if you want to teach the material yourself.
Book Studies: I am repeatedly amazed by how a man will get hold of a book, and then God will use that book to get hold of the man. I don’t believe in Christian literature because I write books; I write books because I believe in Christian literature. Books change lives! One of the most effective ways to start a small group is to study a book with discussion questions for each chapter. Use this book. In the appendix, you can also find a list of some of my books that are suitable for groups, with brief descriptions.
Workbooks: You can find a plethora of small group resources at www.maninthemirror.org and from members of the National Coalition of Ministries to Men at www.ncmm.org.
Accountability Groups: See an example and order wallet-sized accountability cards at www.maninthemirror.org/accountability-cards.
What Makes a Group Last?
Value is what makes a group last—more specifically, the perception of value. Every time a man shows up, he has decided not to do something else. Most men have many choices, so your small group has to meet the “real and felt needs test” or it won’t last.
So what do men find valuable? Life can be brutal. Every day, men must manage their lives against the Fall. Because life is so hard, men need to be encouraged. They need a hug from God. They need the human touch. And this while wearing the skin of a loner.
The mega-answer? Care. Caring creates the value, that captures the momentum, that sustains the change. Men will come if they sense you really care about them. If not, they will soon drift away—but almost never tell you why.
You will know you have succeeded when you hear men saying things like, “I really feel like my group cares about me personally,” “The leader makes sure I get a chance to air my thoughts,” and “I cannot believe how my life is changing.”
*Excerpt from The Christian Man
