Next week, we’ll resume our 70 Things Every Man Needs to Know series. But this week, I received a text from a friend that I couldn’t shake. It raises an issue every church leader eventually faces:
Pat, I attend two churches—one a large, contemporary congregation and the other a smaller, traditional one. Both have great preaching and lively people. I’ve been helping with men’s ministry at one church, and the pastor of the other asked if I could help develop a more effective discipleship approach for his men.
The challenge is that many of these men are older—mostly retired or near it. They come from a variety of denominational backgrounds. It’s a new experience for me, but I’m grateful for the opportunity. I’m trying to understand what men in their senior years are looking for and what kind of approach would serve them best. I’d love your perspective on what these men most need spiritually.
A Few Thoughts About Seniors
Most older men were responsible and faithful providers—especially of material needs. Yet now they often feel underappreciated and taken for granted.
These are men who worked hard, sacrificed willingly, and built much of what younger generations now enjoy. They labored long hours, fought wars, coached teams, served churches, and raised families. They were dependable. They showed up. They kept their promises. They are worthy of respect: “Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD” (Leviticus 19:32).
And yet many seniors now feel invisible—no longer needed, no longer celebrated, or even kicked to the curb. Many feel forgotten and left behind, like they have something to offer but no one who wants it.
And not for the first time in their lives, they’re asking themselves, Where do I fit? They quietly wonder, What about me? Am I all washed up?
Remember, most of these men had fathers from the “strong, silent type” generation; they didn’t receive much affirmation or warmth from them. And now they’re not feeling much love from the next generation either.
They bear the unique burden of being the last generation, as a rule, to have done better than their parents economically—and, for reasons that remain unclear, they’re often reviled for being successful.
After building the world we now live in—the iPhone, the Internet, the information age—they’re often met with an attitude of, “What have you done for me lately?” Often, instead of gratitude for what went right, they’re criticized for what went wrong. Or, worse, dismissed altogether: “OK boomer.” (“OK boomer” went viral in 2019, often used by younger generations to dismiss older adults as out of touch—minimizing the wisdom, experience, and contributions of an entire generation. While the person saying it may think it’s clever and playful, the person hearing will almost certainly find it derisive).
Younger men often feel they didn’t get what they needed, want to make their own mark, and wish the older generation would step aside. Older men end up feeling like they have “aged out” of the system—when they should be in a season of celebration: “Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness” (Proverbs 16:31).
For many seniors, the “golden years” are anything but.
Understanding Older Men’s Hearts
If we listen to older men carefully, we discover that, generally, they fall into one of five heart conditions—each one calling for a different kind of care:
The Used and Discarded
Some senior men feel used and discarded. After having lived most of their lives in a performance-based Christian culture, they grow suspicious if they sense a person only wants them to do something for him. They’ve learned to look out for number one. Be patient with them. They are broken and need the love of Jesus.
The Checked-Out
Some feel like they gave everything they have to help others, and now it’s finally their turn to have a good time. Many remember feeling like a vending machine during their younger years—with elders above and youth below, everyone always wanting something. And it was work, work, work, just to make ends meet. Now they’re more interested in their tee time than in helping others. They grew weary of doing good. But while men can always use a hug, some of these men may also need a kick in the pants. Ultimately, they need to discover or rediscover the joy of living in overflow with Christ.
The Broken Past
Most Christian men were discipled to move forward but never discipled backward. They came from dysfunctional homes, as 70–80% of men do, and can’t understand how to overcome the destructive behaviors that keep pulling them down. No matter how much a man loves God, or wants to love God, it’s hard to move forward if he’s stuck in the past. Leaders, we need to remember that Jesus came not only to save but also to set the captives free from bondage (see Romans 8:20-21).
The Crushed
Others have been crushed by the Fall, and they are struggling to function. Maybe their marriages failed or their children made painful choices. The world is a never-sleeping juggernaut that relentlessly crushes our hopes, dreams, and relationships. We must disciple these men to understand that (to paraphrase Pascal) the Fall is an offense to human reason but, once accepted, it makes perfect sense of the human condition. Leaders, teach your seniors how to manage their expectations and lives against the Fall.
The Overflowing
Some men are spiritually and emotionally healthy. They live in the overflow of their relationship with Jesus. Identify these men and start to pray together about how to heal and mobilize other men—both seniors and juniors—into a maturing relationship with Jesus. Let us help this be the song in the hearts of our seniors: “They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green” (Psalm 92:14).
What Older Men Need
The truth is that our similarities dwarf our differences. Cultures change with every generation, but the core affections of the human heart never do. That’s why, whether we’re 18 or 80, the book of Ecclesiastes or the Sermon on the Mount still pierces right down to the quick of our souls!
Every man needs to feel heard, seen, understood, and loved. And older men, like all men, need to be assured that:
“God, You are not done with me yet.
You have more for me.
You have not forgotten me.
You are with me always.
You love me unconditionally.
You see me. You know what I’m going through.
You will not forsake me.
I am precious in Your sight.”
These words speak to the ache in many older men’s hearts—a longing to still matter, to still make a difference, to be seen and valued again. And older men still need discipleship and community.
Yes, we must reach younger men—but not at the expense of older ones. We need churches with a Kingdom vision that’s big enough for all generations.
Jesus came to seek and save “whosoever will believe.” That’s why every man is worth our best effort—young, old, and every age in between. Our goal must be no man left behind—not from any generation, race, ethnicity, or background.
Not every older man will be interested or willing to grow. But for those who are, let’s disciple them to abide in Jesus and live out of the overflow of a powerful, vital relationship with the Master—”Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance” (Titus 2:2).
Our role? “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us” (2 Corinthians 5:20a). When the lights grow dim and the curtain begins to fall, only what we’ve done in Christ—and for others—will endure.
No man left behind,
Pat
Discussion and Reflection Questions
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