Many don’t understand what trauma is—much less how to deal with it in a healthy, healing way. In fact, many men are trained to ignore pain and soldier through. Injury is treated as an inconvenience.
When I started writing an addendum to
From Broken Boy to Mended Man for the next edition, I quickly realized the concepts I was thinking about could include any kind of trauma experienced by men, not only childhood wounds. So I thought I would share an adapted excerpt with you this week, and next week we’ll get back to the
70 things every man needs to know.
First, what is trauma? Trauma is any experience that overwhelms a man’s ability to cope, adapt, or recover on his own—including when the pain, threat, or loss is sudden, repeated, prolonged, inescapable, or deeply personal. For example, divorce is always a trauma, even when it’s necessary, biblically warranted, and long overdue.
Trauma is something that happens to a man; it is not who he is. It’s a calamity, not an identity.
Karl Menninger, the pioneering psychiatrist who put relationship at the center of healing, argued that what we call mental illness is often a normal response to abnormal life circumstances. Healing, he believed, begins less with technique than with being understood and genuinely cared for. As he put it, “The patient needs someone who cares more than someone who knows.”
I hope the guidance below will help equip you—as someone who is not a trained counselor—with practical, relational, and spiritually grounded wisdom to be that “someone who cares” for any man who may be experiencing trauma.
When appropriate, please also feel free to share the book or addendum with a man you are trying to help, and invite him to walk through it with you. Ask him to help you identify what he needs, what feels most pressing, and how you can best support him.
Examples of Traumas Men May Need Help With
Trauma includes losses, betrayals, illnesses, failures, addictions, and crises encountered in adulthood, as well as childhood wounds. It can be:
1) Episodic trauma (often associated with PTSD), resulting from one or more overwhelming events
2) Prolonged or developmental trauma (often associated with Complex PTSD), resulting from repeated or ongoing exposure to threat, loss, or betrayal
Some common sources of trauma for men include:
- Separation or divorce (especially when unwanted or sudden)
- Death of a spouse or long-term partner
- Unfaithfulness or betrayal by a spouse
- Debilitating or chronic illness of a spouse
- Problems involving children, such as:
- Addiction
- Physical or mental impairment
- Death of a child
- Estrangement or alienation from children
- Severe financial loss or disaster
- Personal health crisis (cancer, disability, chronic pain)
- Alcoholism or other substance addiction
- Mental health struggles (short-term or long-term)
- Existential crisis involving meaning, identity, or purpose
- Childhood wounds (remembered, minimized, or never understood)
While the sources of trauma vary, they all have this in common: When suffering is carried alone, it often deepens. God frequently uses other men—steady, patient, and trustworthy—to help carry the load.
Guidance for Caring Well
Never try to teach a broken heart. Your role is not to fix, diagnose, or rescue, but rather to walk with a brother. Presence matters more than expertise. Don’t probe; listen. Silence often helps more than advice.
Handle Scripture with care. Do not rush to Romans 8:28. Do not minimize pain, correct fear, or pressure forgiveness. Healing cannot be forced. Use Scripture for comfort, not correction. Be gentle and compassionate—like Jesus. Pray in a way that relieves rather than creates pressure to get well.
Maintain healthy boundaries. You are a brother, not a therapist. Never become a man’s only support. Encourage community and protect your own walk with God.
Understand trauma’s different presentations. It may show up as numbness, emotional volatility, constant tension, withdrawal, or persistent shame. Reactions that were once protective may now interfere with daily life.
Recognize causes for greater concern. Warning signs include talk of wanting to disappear or die, self-harm, reckless behavior, escalating substance use, severe withdrawal or rage, dissociation, or feeling unreal.
Know when to escalate care. Faith leaders and professionals are care partners, not competitors. Stay relationally present, and escalate care when safety is at risk, daily functioning collapses, or the situation exceeds your calling.
Show respect. Even when a man is hurting, he still wants respect, agency, and purpose. Speak to the strength that remains, not to a victim identity.
Be consistent. Show up when you say you will. Keep conversations predictable. Follow through. Reliability builds trust when everything else feels uncertain.
Whether you want to better support a man you know who is experiencing trauma or to find healing for your own, let me know how else I can help.
Always on your side,
Pat
PS If you know one thoughtful person who would benefit from reading this, would you send this to them?
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