During the process of writing From Broken Boy to Mended Man, I remembered that my mother gave me a book that changed my life called 30 Days to a More Powerful Vocabulary. She must have recognized my love for words and wanted to help. Sidebar: I went looking for it among my other books and, praise God, I still have it! But I’d forgotten about it for years.

For so long I gave my parents a bad rap because I didn’t feel like they cared about me. I filtered things through that belief, eventually cutting my parents off. But as I’ve matured, I’ve softened, and as I’ve softened, I’ve adjusted the filter.

Here’s the question for each of us: As we have positive thoughts about our parents or learn new information, do we cling tightly to our old narrative, or do we make an adjustment?

To be sure, our parents are responsible for how they wounded us, whether they knew it or not. Maybe they were good people who made serious mistakes, or maybe they were uncaring, toxic, or even evil. Nothing can minimize, justify, excuse, or change what happened to us. But what happened to them?

It’s a worthy question. How much do you really know of your parents’ stories? Unraveling what happened to them can illuminate what happened to you.

So, how can you unravel what happened to them? If possible, ask them. Ask their siblings and other relatives. Listen to understand. Listen without commenting out of emotional pain. Listen in love.

You may find that they passed on to you the very mistakes and sins that were passed on to them. The intergenerational transfer of dysfunctional behavior is well documented in scholarly literature.

But it’s unlikely that your parents set out to be bad parents. Consider that even though they let you down, they may have had good intentions. For example, a lot of absent parents worked long hours to make ends meet and provide for their families. That doesn’t excuse them for missing important events, but it does put a different spin on it.

If you sense your filter needs to be adjusted, don’t resist, or freeze your parents in a particular memory. Radio show host Erick Erickson said, “If none of us are allowed to move beyond the worst thing we’ve done, there’s no incentive for any of us to become a better person.”

As you unravel and rethink your parents’ stories, you might end up with a more gracious, compassionate, and merciful view of them. But regardless, holding your brokenness against them will not heal you. If anything, it will drag you down. Extend your parents grace for their past mistakes and sins, just as you’ve received grace for yours.