I have a 55-year-old son I never knew existed until April 2025. We’ve already become extremely close. He’s amazing—and his wife and children are amazing too. We traced his conception to a night I spent in Daytona Beach as a young, single man on leave from the Army. I got a young woman I didn’t know pregnant and was never seen again.
And yet—God. Sex works extremely well for God’s intended purpose. Life is a beautiful gift. Today, the deep desire of both my wife’s heart and mine is to supply as much of what our son missed as we can. (When I asked my wife, Patsy, “Should I call Will my son or our son?” she replied emphatically, “Oh, our son!”) Because of grace, it’s a redemption story.
That’s where I want to begin today with #57 on my list of 70 things every man needs to know: sex. Not with theory. Not with rules. But with reality. Sex is powerful. It creates life. It binds souls. It leaves marks—both beautiful and painful. And for these reasons, this week’s Weekly Wisdom email will be longer than usual. I want to make sure you get your questions answered.
So why did God invent sex? Let’s keep it simple and biblical. God created sex for two purposes: to make babies and to create deep, joyful intimacy in marriage. Sex is holy. Sex is fun. Sex works. You’re reading this because your mother and father had sex. God is not against sex; He is against sexual immorality. That distinction changes everything.
You can reasonably assume that most men—even within the church—are biblically naïve about their sexuality. Research shows that at least half of churched men struggle significantly with pornography, with no doubt many more battling lust privately. We live in a culture that glorifies lust, normalizes immorality, and minimizes consequences. If we don’t teach men about sex clearly and courageously, the culture will.
St. Augustine wrote that everything bad is a corruption of something originally meant to be good. Sex is a perfect example. Used inside God’s design, it can bring joy, connection, and life. Used outside His design, it can bring disease, shame, broken relationships, emotional scars, and unplanned pregnancies that can alter entire lives.
The CDC estimates that about one in five Americans has a sexually transmitted infection, with nearly half of new cases among those ages 15 to 24. That’s not just a statistic; those are lives. Which is why God provides limits—not on sex but on sexual immorality.
Part 1: Advice for Single Men
Why Wait?
If you’re single, you may be wondering: If sex is so good, why wait?
The Bible has plenty to say about why we should reserve sex for marriage. Here’s a practical reason: Sex works extremely well—especially for making babies. An unexpected pregnancy doesn’t just affect two people for a brief season. It creates a cascade of long-lasting, life-altering decisions: Will the baby be kept, adopted, or aborted? Who raises the child? How will finances work? What happens to education and career plans? Most men don’t think about these questions until they have to.
When God gives us guidelines for sexuality, His commands are not arbitrary; they are protective, wise, and realistic.
What Kind of Man Do You Want to Be?
Sexual temptation is inevitable. Sexual immorality is not. The key is deciding in advance what kind of man you want to be—and then structuring your life accordingly. Are you avoiding tempting environments? Inviting accountability? Putting guardrails on your technology? If not, why? Don’t play games with private situations.
Lust is not just attraction; it is cultivated desire. You may not be able to stop a thought from knocking, but you can decide whether to invite it in. Seeing is not seeking. Looking is not lusting. Attraction is normal. But once you feed the thought, replay it, or seek stimulation, you’ve crossed into lust.
That’s why Jesus said to flee from it. Not manage it. Not flirt with it. Flee.
What If You’ve Already Gone Too Far?
If this applies to you, understand this clearly: God forgives. Fully. Completely. There is grace for the man who repents. There is mercy for the man who wants to come home.
But forgiveness is not the end of the story. Restoration requires repentance, changed behavior, accountability, and wisdom. Sometimes the most courageous step is to step back from a relationship. Sometimes the most spiritual move is to put distance between you and temptation.
Don’t rationalize. Don’t pretend. Bring it into the light. Tell a trusted mentor. Ask for help. God forgives—and He expects us to change by relying on the Holy Spirit and making wiser decisions.
Should You Get Married?
The Apostle Paul is direct in His letter: If you cannot control yourself, get married.
Marriage is not merely companionship; it is God’s designed context for sexual expression. But don’t rush this. Marriage is not a loophole for lust; it is a covenant.
Until you are ready for marriage, don’t ask for—or take—someone’s heart. That’s too great a responsibility. Honor women. Treat them as sisters.
A Word About Desire
Let’s be honest. Testosterone is real. Desire is real. Temptation is real. None of that makes you broken—it makes you human.
The goal is not to eliminate desire but to direct it properly. Steward it. That means resisting pornography, avoiding sexually charged media, and staying out of situations where your passions will predictably overtake your judgment.
A helpful historical insight: Early Christians became known not just for what they believed, but for how differently they behaved sexually. In a promiscuous culture, they practiced restraint, fidelity, and dignity. Their sexual ethic quietly helped reshape civilization.
Getting this right matters—not only for you, but for the world around you.
Part 2: Advice for Married Men
How to Strengthen Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
Men and women often experience sex differently. These are generalities, of course, but men tend to think, Let’s have sex now—and then talk about it. They expect the connection to follow sex. Women on the other hand might think, Let’s build connection—and then make love to celebrate.
This is not right versus wrong. It’s design. Many wives experience sexual desire as the result of feeling emotionally connected, cherished, and safe. It begins with connection. For men, the reverse is often true. But a major problem arises when a husband makes physical demands without emotional investment.
For his wife, sex doesn’t begin in the bedroom. It begins earlier—with him listening, noticing, helping, and showing nonsexual affection (e.g., hugs, hand-holding, sitting close, a touch on the arm, or a kiss in passing).
Sexual desire grows through conversation, time together, and small acts of kindness. These are not small things. They build the emotional foundation for intimacy.
So what should a husband do? First, touch and kiss your wife every day in nonsexual ways. Second, talk intentionally—about her day and yours. Third, set a time to talk openly about your sexual relationship. If that feels awkward, it’s probably overdue. Don’t avoid it. Begin—humbly, honestly, and with a desire to understand.
What Does the Bible Say to Married Men?
1 Corinthians 7:1–7 gives clear teaching. Husbands and wives are to care for each other’s needs with mutuality, generosity, and regular intimacy. They are not to deprive each other for long, so that temptation does not take root.
The Bible is realistic. Our sexual design is powerful. For married men, one practical solution to lust is to enjoy regular intimacy with your wife. This is not crude—it is biblical. God designed marriage in such a way that it channels desire into covenant love.
What Is the Real Battle in Marriage?
Even in marriage, lust can creep in—through pornography, fantasy, comparison, resentment, or neglect. These distort what God created.
The solution is not to try harder but rather to deepen the relationship, guard your eyes and mind, and re-center your marriage on love rather than consumption.
G. K. Chesterton wrote, “Keeping to one woman is a small price for so much as seeing one woman.” Faithfulness is not a restriction—it is the pathway to depth. The man who gives himself fully to one woman discovers what the promiscuous man never will: the beauty of trust and the joy of being fully known. After all, God’s design is not meant to limit joy, but to protect and maximize it. And even when we fail, there is redemption.
Redeeming Our Stories
Our new son is living proof that, while sin can fracture a story, grace can still write a beautiful ending. The pain I caused grieves me. The life God brought from it humbles me. The redemption we are now experiencing reminds me that God is both truthful about sin and lavish in mercy.
That is the Christian story. God tells the truth about our failures—and then offers redemption through Jesus.
So whether you are a single man seeking integrity or a married man seeking to love your wife well, remember this: God is for sex in the way He designed it, and against the immorality that corrupts it. His commands are not meant to shrink your life. They are meant to bless it.
Below you’ll find a list of frequently asked questions I’ve gotten over the years from men about sex, along with some rapid fire answers. Following the list are this week’s reflection and discussion questions.
In your corner,
Pat
QUICK ANSWERS FOR COMMON QUESTIONS
Is sex before marriage wrong if we really love each other?
Yes. The Bible consistently teaches that sex is designed for a covenant relationship (marriage), not just emotional connection. Love does not redefine God’s design; it flourishes within it, and outside of that design it often leads to confusion, pain, and unintended consequences.
How far is too far physically?
Anything that intentionally arouses sexual desire outside of marriage crosses the line. That includes touching intimate areas, stimulating each other, or engaging in behavior meant to lead toward intercourse—even if you stop short. If the direction is toward sexual gratification, it’s already too far.
Is oral sex okay outside of marriage?
No. The Bible teaches that our bodies are meant for the Lord, not sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:13–20). Sexual expression of any kind belongs within marriage, where it can be enjoyed without guilt or consequence.
What’s the difference between attraction and lust?
As written above, attraction is the natural response to noticing beauty. It’s involuntary, not sinful. Lust, however, is something you choose to entertain. Lust is thinking about or imagining sex with a woman who isn’t your wife.
Here’s a good working definition for lust: Lust is mental adultery by seeking out ways to look at, watch, listen to, read about, or covet any woman other than your wife to arouse yourself sexually (escalated if you masturbate).
Lust is more than accidentally stumbling across sexually explicit material or having a sex dream. It’s proactively seeking sexual stimulation. If you seek out movies for their sex scenes so you can be aroused, that’s the sin of lust. When a sex scene shows up unexpectedly and you hit rewind, that’s lust.
Is it a sin to be tempted sexually?
No. Temptation is not sin. It’s what you do with temptation that matters. Even Jesus was tempted, but He did not sin. The Bible tells us that temptation can be resisted. (See 1 Corinthians 10:13.)
Is masturbation a sin?
The Bible doesn’t explicitly address masturbation, which is notable since God could have easily ensured it did. It’s possible to masturbate and not sin. From the time a boy’s body begins producing testosterone, he will at some point want to masturbate. It’s a normal desire, and I wouldn’t worry too much about it. But I say that with two main cautions:
If the act becomes frequent, compulsive, or tied to fantasy—or if it leaves you feeling moral guilt or less interested in real relationships—it’s no longer neutral. It is moving you away from God’s design.
Is there something wrong with me if I think about sex a lot?
No. Sexual thoughts are a normal, biologic part of being male. While research on the matter is vague and unreliable, one study found that men think about sex, on average, nineteen times a day. The issue is not having thoughts—it’s whether you dwell on them, cultivate them, and allow them to shape your behavior over time.
Why is pornography such a big deal?
While pornography harms all involved, let me boil it down to how it harms you: It trains your brain to seek sexual pleasure disconnected from relationship and reality. It fuels lust, distorts expectations, and gradually makes it harder to experience real intimacy with a real person.
Are things like swimsuit magazines or suggestive images a problem?
For most men, yes. Even if they aren’t labeled “pornography,” if the purpose or effect is sexual stimulation, they function the same way in the mind and heart. The issue is not the label; it’s the intent and effect.
What should I do if I keep falling into sexual sin?
Don’t rely on willpower alone. Freedom rarely comes to those in isolation, and secrecy is often what gives the struggle its power. Instead, bring it into the light with a trusted Christian and establish accountability.
Make concrete changes to your environment to avoid predictable triggers. That might include changing routines, limiting screen time, or avoiding private situations with someone you’re attracted to. Wisdom reduces the need for willpower.
Finally, focus on Jesus more than you’re focused on your sin. Spend time with Him in prayer, study the Bible, worship, and find a way to serve Him.
What should I do if I’ve gotten a woman pregnant?
Take responsibility—emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Seek wise counsel immediately and commit to doing the right thing, even when it’s difficult. This is a moment that calls for courage, not avoidance.
What if I get a sexually transmitted infection?
Seek medical care immediately, and be honest with anyone affected. Allow it to serve as a wake-up call to reassess your choices and realign your life with God’s design going forward.
Why does God care so much about sexual sin?
Because sexual sin uniquely affects your body, your relationships, and your soul (see 1 Corinthians 6:18). It’s not just about breaking a rule—it’s about damaging something sacred that God designed for good.
Is same-sex attraction itself a sin?
Temptation or attraction is not sin, but acting on it is outside God’s design for sexuality. Like any other temptation, it calls for surrender, wisdom, and obedience over time.
I didn’t have a good male role model. How should I treat women?
Treat women like sisters. Desire to protect them, show them respect, and honor their dignity. Look for opportunities to spend time with godly men and observe how they behave toward and talk about women, so that you can learn from their example.
Does God still love me if I’ve been sexually immoral?
Absolutely. God’s grace is greater than your sin. But His grace and love call you to transformation and a new way of living. Repent, receive God’s forgiveness, and take practical steps to change your patterns. Real change involves both spiritual renewal and adjustments to behavior consistently over time.
Is it really possible to live a sexually pure life today?
Yes, but not casually. It requires intentionality, community, and dependence on God, not just willpower. Purity is possible, but it must be pursued. We live in a sex-saturated culture, where temptation is constant and often celebrated. That makes discipline more difficult and more necessary— but also more meaningful.
Reflection and Discussion
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